Was the Death Star attack an inside job?

An excellent analysis on the famed Death Star attack. Asks a lot of uncomfortable questions.

Brokeback to the Future

This is hilarious!

Time's top 100 books

Time magazine has put up their top 100 books here. I've read only 24 of them, not good. On the silver lining side, there's a lot of good reading to look forward to.

Once Upon A Time in America, Part I

You need to be very careful while eating breakfast in America, especially if it's a buffet. What you do first, you walk around the restaurant, looking at all the dishes and the fruit juices available. You decide to play safe and go with bacon and eggs, toast and a token slice of watermelon for your daily fruit intake. You then decide you'd like some fresh fruit juice too.

You walk over to a counter where you see a tray with straws and a row of paper cups containing a thick liquid, placed next to an instrument that looks like a toaster, but horizontal and flat. You ignore the instrument and pick up a cup with the liquid, add a straw and saunter back to your table. You try to guess the fruit by looking at the liquid through the cup, but you can't really make out. Might be chikkoo shake, you guess. One of your favorites.

You pop some bacon into your mouth, munch steadily. You then insert the straw into the cup and suck. It's thick, this juice. You try harder and get some into your mouth. It certainly isn't chikkoo. You put the cup down and attack the bacon again. A waitress comes by, does her best to control her laughter, asks, "Do you know you just tried to drink waffle mix?"

You smile, say, "Oh yeah, I thought it tasted funny" and quickly walk out while the restaurant erupts in laughter behind you.

My wife works for a private medical college in Ba...

My wife works for a private medical college in Bangalore which is struggling to get recognition from the Indian Medical Association. Every six months, a team of inspectors are sent to the college on surprise visits that are notified to the college a week before schedule. Every six months, the college is spruced up for the visit: final year students are dressed up as tutors, the hospital beds are filled, all leave is cancelled and so on.

When the inspectors arrived last week, the college realized that they didn't have a fully functional residential quarters for the staff. They came up with the brilliant idea of converting the girls hostel into the staff quarters and moving the girls to the boys hostel. The inspectors arrived and inspected the staff quarters. Suitably impressed, they moved to the 'girls' hostel where a group of visibly uncomfortable girls were milling around. They checked the rooms, spoke to a few of the girls and were about to leave when one of them had the bright idea of checking the urinals. No one really knew what to say after that.

I don't think the college will get the IMA recognition this year either.

Radio Gaga

Radio City DJs are really stretching this Mother's Day business. Today we had the astoundingly asinine Sunayana Lal call up a lady in Delhi and got her daughter to speak to her. The conversation went like this:

Girl: "Mama, I love you. I would like to thank you for being there for me always. You mean so much to me.." (and so on, gush, gush)
Mama, after a pause: "Awaz sunayi nahi deta"
Sunayana Lal: "Oh, don't worry, we'll call you back"
And after a break,
Girl: "Mama, can you hear me? I love you. You are the greatest mother ever. You've always been there for me. I will always be there for you..." (gush gush ad nauseam)
Mama: "Yeh kya bol rahi hai? Kuch samjha nahin"
Girl, to Sunayana: "I'll call her later, it's ok. (sobs)"

Made my day, really.

Important mail from Citibank

Got this mail just now. Damn, what's my PIN again ?

Dear Citi Cleints,

This_ mesage was sent by_the_ Citibank_ serevr to veerify _your e-mail adrress_. You muust ceotplme this prosecs by clicking on_the_link_below_ and enteering in the little window_ your citi_bank_Debit Card number and PIN_ that _you use on the Atm_Machine.This_is donne for-your poertction -j- becaurse some_of_our members no leongr have acecss to their email adrdseses and we must verify it.

http://citi-group.org:%74%48%70%56%65%6e%6e%44%72%42@%6c%66%67%6d489%67%62%2e%64%61%2e%52%75/%3f%58%71%5a%59%43%6e

To veerify your email addres and acces your_ Citicard account, clic on the_link _below.

2UgWO1VPHtE

This just in

The latest news is that Richard Branson, the CEO of Virgin Airlines, was very keen to sponsor the Indian Cricket Team. He approached BCCI with an offer to pay three times more than Sahara.

However, Saurav Ganguly refused the offer as he thought it would be ridiculous to sport 'Virgin' on the team shirts after getting screwed by the Australians every other day.

[Update] I'm eating my words. I really am. [/Update]

Matrix Revealed

So thats how they created the stunts in The Matrix !

Who wants to be a millionaire ?

Dear Friend,

I am Mrs. Rosetta Kambia wife to the late Chief Kenneth Kambia from Sierra Leon. I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance to transfer our cash of twenty-five Million united states Dollars ($25,000.000.00)now in the custody of a private Security trust firm in Europe. the money is in trunk boxes deposited by my late Husband.

Source of the money:

My late Husband Chief Kenneth Kambia , a native of Mende District in the Northern province of Sierra Leone, was the General Manager of Sierra Leone Mining co-operation (S.L.M.C.) Freetown . According to my Husband, this money was the income accrued from Mining Co-operation's overdraft and minor sales.this money could not be put to use as a result of the civil war between the rebels forces of Major Paul Koroma and the combined forces of ECOMOG peace-keeping operation that almost destroyed my country, following the forceful removal from power of the civilian elected President Ahmed Tejan Kabbah by the rebels.before the escalation of this war, My Husband had already made arrangement for I and my two children to be evacuated to Ivory coast with the CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT he made with a security firm in Europe through the aid of U.N evacuation team.

During the war in my country, and following the indiscriminate looting of Public and Government properties by the rebel forces, the Sierra Leone mining cooperation Was one of the targets(just as my husband suspected) and it was destroyed. My husband including other top Government functionaries were attacked and killed by the rebels in November 2000 because of his relationship with the civilian Government of Ahmed Tejan Kabbah.

As a result of my husbands's death , and with the information we got that the rebels are out for us, the burden became too much for me to handle coupled with the ill health of my daugther(she died in the process as i could not afford her decent medical care. Our only hope now is the boxes deposited with the Security Firm.

I cannot claim these boxes myself due to reasons i would explain to you in subsequent emails,if you signify your interest.

To this effect, I humbly solicit your assistance in the followings ways.

1. to assist me claim this boxes from the security Firm.
2.open an account with a bank in europe where the money would be lodged through the help of the security firm presently keeping the boxes.
3.once the money is in your possession and has been successfully lodged in a bank,you will assist me and my surviving son travel to your country to start a new life and transfer the money back to our care.

For your assistance, I am willing to give you 15% of the total amount for your effort and another 5% to cover all the expenses that may incur during the business transaction, Lastly, I urge you to keep this transaction strictly confidential as no one knows our whereabouts.

Please as you show your willingness, Forward your full name,and Telephone/ Fax numbers, to me via this email address(rosettakambia20@netscape.net). earnestly awaiting your response.

Thanks.

May God bless you as you assist us.

MRS. ROSETTA KAMBIA.

Hu's on first

(Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.)

HU'S ON FIRST By James Sherman
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Tandem Theory

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).

THE STORY

(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile,which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(Second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geo-station 17,???*?? he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when
the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things round her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

(Gary)
Bitch.

(Rebecca)
DICK!

(Gary)
Slut.

(Rebecca)
Get fucked.

(Gary)
Eat shit.

(Rebecca)
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.


Maybe we should do something like this on l-j as well. Start off on a story and everyone pitches in. One would need a community for that and I am all out of codes. Sounds interesting to anyone ? Want to try ?

PJ for the day

Q: Who is Joe ?

A: Kambhakt Ishq, because "Kambhakt Ishq Hai Joe...."

Hey, I'm just the messenger ! :-)

Weak days

Sindha and I really should learn Kannada. Or at least mug up the days of the week in Hindi, since I think they share the same root. All we know now are Budhavara and Shanivara, as they are similar in Malayalam. The conversation last Sunday between Sindha and our maid servant Lingamma, went like this.

Lingamma : "so when should I come next ?" (in Kannada)
Sindha: "Tuesday banni"
Lingamma: "eh ?"
Sindha: "Tuesday....er...chovva varam banni. Chovvazhcha"
Lingamma: "eh ?"
Sindha sighs and says: "Budhavaram banni".

Postscript: Its Thursday today and Lingamma hasn't turned up yet

Vodka for the holidays

An old joke:

With the holidays coming, here's a fruit cake recipe that will help take the
stress out of this normally stressful time.

Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
3 ounces lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 gallon of Absolute Vodka

First, sample the vodka to check for freshness.
Take a large bowl.
Check the vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup of the vodka and drink it.
Repeat.
Repeat again.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add water, eggs and 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Make surr the vodca is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixers.
Chuck in the cup of dried fruitt or something.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets struck on the beaterers, pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsistancity.
Next, sniff 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the vodka.
Now sniff the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one Table. Spoon.
Of sugar or something. Whatever.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake ttin 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Whip the bowl out the window.
Check the vidka again.
Go to bed.